When I found out I was pregnant it was just before I enrolling in my final semester of my last year of my BA in crisis counseling which was very good timing. So, I worked very hard that semester often from bed and graduated with a BA in spite of my multiple pain conditions. Right before my final exams, when I was 19 weeks pregnant I had to go into the hospital for pain due to my appendix which ended up being removed. That sucked. Another organ bit the dust. Then I went home studied for finals that got delayed but I pushed through and wrote them and graduated on-time. And that, is something I am very proud of!! It took me longer but I did it! Praise the Lord I did it! Everyday I got up battled multiple types of pain, felt like giving up, pushed through it and in April of 2015 I finally got a BA!
During the first pregnancy managing my conditions was a new special form of torture, as in they were barely able to manage the pain if that, especially the neuropathic pain and fibromyalgia. There is nothing safe to manage pain in pregnancy, as most medication are classed as unsafe. And since the pain specialist is not adequately trained to treat a pregnant patient, I could no longer see my main Dr.
Thus, I was at the mercy of the maternity Dr.'s that I had just met, and who did not understand my disorders, they also did not seem happy about that either. The gymnastic of trying to do no harm to a baby and still keep a mother below a 9/10 pain turns out is a fine ethical line that I find Dr err on the side of don’t know don't care, or not my patient not my problem. I tried my best to keep up with everyday life, but it was hard. That summer we went car camping, I don't recommend it for those in pain even with the foam we had it was still some very sore nights of tossing and turning. A highlight for me was that while pregnant I hiked up Athabasca Glacier with my husband.
Seriously this handsome husband is amazing.
Around 32 weeks in the pregnancy I started showing signs of having pre-eclampsia* and borderline HELLPS. Seriously, what the chances of having multiple pain conditions, gallstones, appendix issues, and these pregnancy issues? Should I take up gambling? I remember watching my favorite character get killed off of Downton Abbey from Pre-eclampsia and then hearing a Dr. tell me I had it was made my head spin. I became a boomerang patient in and out of the hospital as levels went up and down on bedrest in the hospital one week, at home the next and so forth. Finally, due to the progression of these two disorders on my liver function at 36 weeks I was lucky to be induced by the maternity Dr.'s and naturally deliver early our healthy little baby boy who was rushed to the NICU because he wasn't breathing. That was very scary. Now, my role in life is changed because I'm also seen as a mom. Which is a huge responsibility and I love it. The only down side is like it or not from birth forward I'm given unsolicited advice from everyone and I literally mean everyone. That can be amazingly helpful when older generations pass down tips that worked for them and when mom groups get together and support one another. And, it can be really annoying, like when you go into a cafe cause your sleep deprived and the barista asks how the baby's sleeping and then tells you some quacked out theory on sleep that involves spinning the baby above your head... Where do you put a no solicitation sticker as a mother?
The next year, that’s right two kids, two years. Yes, I am as crazy as that sounds. But more on that later.* With the second pregnancy, I was sent to a specialist of the maternity Dr. kind, only to find out the tricyclic I had been on previous to pregnancy was ok to be on at a low dose but only in the 2nd trimester and on. During pregnancy, trying to make up the other part of the dose to take the edge off the pain that was daily between a 8-9/10 became like playing musical drugs. In the 1st trimester your allowed these ones but, in the 2nd trimester those are no longer allowed, so now you get to be switched to this new batch. By the second trimester your hormonal, tired and angry and they're switching your med's, who's bright idea was that!
By third trimester, your in brutal amounts of pain, because lets face it, your not getting any significant level of pain killers. Just minimal doses for your sanity to keep you at a 8 out 10 daily pain levels at best. If we're honest your just taking them to prevent the 9, which would send you to the hospital. With all these pills you're still going to be up at night in pain, all day in pain, pain, pain, all the time. Your also caring for an infant who doesn't sleep, like I'm talking he wakes up 15+ times a night and you now have super powers: heightened senses which would be super cool, if you weren't changing diapers and being barfed on all day. With the second pregnancy I was 34 weeks when I had an emergency C-section* because my water broke and the baby was breach. From that perspective, I thought the C-section was a lovely experience being drugged up, the needle in the back was like a fly. Cutting me open, like a spa treatment after 8 months chronic neuropathic pain not enough med's, I can't say enough I really truly enjoyed that. I'm thinking back on it right now, and I'm smiling. Yes, people do look at me like I'm straight up, crazy. And I get it, I experienced random electric stabbing nerve pain, plus fibromyalgia pain, and trigeminal migraines for 8 months straight while still trying to live my life only minimally medicated, not a lot of people can say they know what that’s like. Playing musical drugs for 8 months is not a recommended game. It stinks, and it comes with its companion game the Russian Roulette of side effects you never know which one you'll get but they all have them.
So pregnancy to sum up was for me both times 8 months of chronic torture while desperately trying to be a normal fully functioning human, that took care of other humans, kept them alive, cooked dinner, cleaned house, exercised, wrote essays and exams, gardened, did art, and volunteered in the community sometimes. I would say looking back, pregnancy is especially brutal on those with chronic pain disorders. I'm sorry if you have a chronic pain condition and were hoping it wouldn't be, I'm totally here for you to chat about it! It just all around sucked, I got worse morning sickness, than most. I swelled up it was gross. But, you do what you got to do, because the end result is the best part that life has to offer!
There's nothing as great as being a mom. When you have chronic pain and the focus is the pain or how your doing with it, and when it’s constantly worse it can be a bummer. The last few years with babies around I have not been the focus, and that has been a very nice change. My days though very painful are full of poo and I mean that literally, a lot of diapers. But, it's also all day different adventures, nature walks, and dance party's and so many moments. Moments that make it so much easier to bear the tough stuff that life has to offer. Being a mom is really hard, right now there are diapers, tantrums, sleepless nights, straight up defiance. But, the good times like the big kisses, little quiet "I love you's", small discoveries, and all our first's and exciting times that we get to treasure.
Now 10 years have gone by and I have a little family a boy who's almost 2 and a girl who's almost 1. They are finally starting to play together and really enjoy each others company, and best of all I get to be their mom. Some days feel absolutely crazy because the trigeminal pain, and fibro flares are acting up but most days I just feel happy to be with them and a participant in their world. I wouldn't do kids further apart either if I could because for me I'm so, so, glad it's done, my body did its very best. Closer together was just how it happened and I am glad because now I can relax and enjoy not having to be pregnant again.
Now, there's something about being a mom that gives you back the self confidence lost long ago. Some where between adolescents and teenage years, as a girl you start caring too much what everyone else thinks. But here in this home, I have no peers surrounding me, telling me my dance moves are not good enough, or that I don't look good enough or that I dont belong here. In this home, this is exactly where I belong, and with these kids I am essential to everyday life, and thus I have made our clean up time the greatest dance party ever. That's right, I rock out hard to my top hits and dance around with the baby in the jumper and the almost two year old. We're jumping around the house and everyone thinks my moves are all the rage.
~Elysia B
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